Tag Archives: Shadows Attached

Apr 25 2012

In Gestalt Theory Co-dependent is Not Interdependent and Opposites DO Attract

Gestalt means whole, and so are you. It’s my tag line, and I say it all the time. Maybe because I do spew it so often, I forget to provide the foundation that gives it so much strength as a theory of human development. As such, I’m writing today about co-dependency, a term that some will say is over-used, and one that seems hard to get away from in a blogging sense, especially when talking about wholeness and empowerment.

Recently, a blogger whom I adore, posted a blog spot (I am seriously paraphrasing) about co-dependency being about interactions between humans such as in grocery lines, etc. In this blogger’s definition, co-operation would have been more succinct. It is true that we all cooperate and interact with others on a daily basis. We even depend somewhat on the goodness, or at least on the harmlessness, of strangers as they check us out at the supermarket and serve us at the deli. And, as this blogger pointed out, if we look up “co” in the dictionary there is not a definition of negativity. The point is not with the “co” in co-dependency. It is with the dependency as opposed to independence when one gives away a huge chunk of who they are, leaving a hole in the whole; leaving themselves vulnerable to those who might fill or enlarge that hole.

When one feels complete, he/she is less vulnerable to those who would otherwise enjoy nothing more than taking some of that balanced sense of self. The more whole and complete one feels, the more whole and complete the relationships they’ll attract; this is true per the most powerful law of the universe: the law of attraction. And the law of attraction is no less authentic and powerful than is the law of gravity. We may balk, and squeal at the idea that we have some how attracted (especially nefarious) events into our realm, but we are all creating our reality with every thought and action, whether consciously affirmed or not. And while it is true, you might argue, that “opposites attract,” and at first glance this seems to defy the law of attraction, it does not, and here’s why:

When an individual feels lacking in any area, it leaves a psychic hole in the whole  organic human being. Let’s say that a child is born perfect and whole (gestalt), and the child is loved and begins to feel secure. This internalized feeling of security and love translates into self-love and secure self-esteem. As this child grows, so grows the seeds of wholeness. As life offers both opportunity and challenges (which too are opportunities) this individual is apt to have the internal fortitude to deal with whatever comes along. This person will (again, as the law of attraction dictates) attract like-minded/like energy friends, lovers, and colleagues that will add to the support foundation. This strong foundation results in the ability to take on more challenges and risks, and to progress rapidly in life, to creatively turn sour lemons into sweet drinks, to build-big on the sturdy foundation, and create a pretty great life. Generally, we call this luck.

Conversely, a child, born perfect and whole, is loved and begins to feel secure but then something happens; as an example, let’s say a parent dies and the remaining parent is left with feelings of grief, abandonment, and a slew of over-whelming emotions to sort thru. Depending on the foundation of this remaining caregiver, the child will now receive varying degrees of care and nurturing. Perhaps the child still gets physical needs met, but is left with budding emotions of emotional neglect. As this child grows, there is a large chunk of the psyche missing, but it begins to feel familiar, if not comfortable, and so as the child grows he/she (again as per the law of attraction) attracts relationships and events to reinforce, psychologically fill, and somehow fit into the missing hole. If the individual is experiencing him/her self as being wounded, that person will attract either another wounded individual, or events and relationships to continue to wound him/her further (as that’s the familiar emotion being reinforced). Sometimes the fit works out okay, and just as often, the imbalance exacerbates the issues until those issues are finally looked at and adjustments are made. This is the danger of not experiencing one’s self as whole and complete. This is the dangerous area of co-dependency. This is where folks lose their lives in extreme cases, and which provides billable hours for counselors of neurotics in less extreme cases.

  • Co-dependency is the twin-sibling of passive-aggressive behavior and both are ineffective.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one is suppressed and will not own their own voice to speak up about inequality in a relationship.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one stuffs emotions deep inside and the result is a festering of emotion that leads to dis-ease, obesity, and even death.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one is victim to abuse.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one is abusive, seeking to fill in the gnawing hole of insecurity at the cost of another.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one is waiting to be filled up by someone else, rather than filling one’s self and taking care of one’s own needs and desires.
  • Co-dependency is an issue when one is dependent on external validation, the approval of others, instead of knowing that security is an inside-out job.
  • Co-dependency is not an issue when two people are whole and complete and come together in equilibrium.
  • Co-dependent/co-dependency is only language, words that have no meaning until we humans attach an emotion and/or judgment.

This is not a black and white, right and/or wrong issue to contemplate. Gestalt is not about judging, rather it is about awareness. When one is aware of the motivations of both the self, and of others, one is freed up to make conscious choices as opposed to reacting with or to some internalized agenda. It’s always about choice.

I like to think of relationships much in the way that I think about dessert. I am responsible for meeting my nutritional requirements, and for feeling satisfied and fulfilled, and when there is desert, well, that’s just frosting on the cake….

~As always, with extreme light and gratitude and heavy doses of love.

Ahimsa.

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Mar 22 2012

Who Are the Friends That You Keep?

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Who are the friends that you keep? And who are the friends that keep you from exploring more of your potential? Do you surround yourself with authentic persons who share ideas and stimulate your thoughts? Are you trading your finite time engaged in gossip, or less than deserved conversation? Are you proud of your friendships and acquaintances? Is your shared space inspiring, or is it draining? Do you have many, or few quality friendships?

As humans evolve and progress through individual life journeys, others will be left behind. It’s tempting to try to coax change from friends and loved ones, to drag them pushing and screaming along on our wonderful journey of discovery. Because we are so enlightened we “just know” our circle of acquaintances will be excited to learn all that we are experiencing. And then reality raises its foreboding head and it soon becomes clear that these others may or may not decide to take the personal journey. Here’s the slice: Even if you could, it would not be right to change others. We each have our own dharma to experience. And it’s very personal. Some friends and loved ones will absolutely be left behind.

When the time is right for them, your friends will step out and find their own way. You may or may not be in the picture at that point, and this is more than okay. This earth excursion is a very private matter, despite how many friends we have on the social networks. And not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime; some may last even longer.

Who are the friends that you keep right now? If you look at your personal sphere of influence (those most influenced by you) who can you imagine still being in your sphere five years from now? Who will advance with you and be a close comrade ten years from now? Are there any friends, family members, working relationships, or acquaintances that you know have already been outgrown? If so, what are they doing in your sphere? Have some friendships ended, and then years, even decades later picked up where they left off? Are you evolving in your process of being human? Are your friendships evolving?

Some ‘friends’ are kept because they make us feel superior. Perhaps these friends are not as smart, or attractive, and so comparatively we shine. Other friendships survive simply due to inertia. Some are unhealthy, but familiar. And some are undoubtedly unraveling at a snail’s pace and will take care of ending as soon as either party stops calling the other.

Notice how you feel when picturing any one of these folks in your mind’s eye. How is your breathing? What is your heart doing? What are your hands doing? Are your palms sweaty or dry? What about your mouth? What are your eyes doing as you envision this person? Do you run the other way when someone starts spewing habitual negativity? Or do you buy into the darkness and commiserate?

Notice the difference in how you are feeling as you envision first, someone annoying and then, someone you are really fond of. How do your physical sensations differ? How do your emotional sensations differ?

When an energy thief enters the room, do you experience your energy draining out, from you to him or her? When you enter a room, what energy are you bringing into the space?

Do you surround yourself with high vibrations or do you allow yourself to be influenced by darker, denser types? Can you feel the difference? Are you in tune? Are you mindful to broadcast high frequencies?

One’s sphere of influence is a two-way street. The people in your shere are influenced by you, but are also influencing you. When you are evolving, some of these sphere members are not going to be happy. Change is often threatening. Subtle, even subconscious means of sabotaging your success will come from multiple directions. Don’t allow others to influence you from your chosen path. Trust that as you grow, new healthy relationships will be built. As others are left behind, even greater alliances are formed.

It really is true that similarly feathered birds find each other. As you spread your beautiful wings, the kindred will find you, enriching the experience. There is no need for fear of change. The change is positive and rewarding. If others stay behind, it’s all good, and it couldn’t be helped.

 Comes the Dawn by Veronica Shoffstall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to understand that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head held high and your eyes wide open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine

Burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden

and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting

for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,

That you really are strong.

And you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn…and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.

~As always, with love, light, and gratitude.

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Thank You, often~

Mar 7 2012

Socially Acceptable Suicide

         Socially Acceptable Suicide

The last time I saw her, she was doing well. She had stopped drinking and she looked fifteen years younger; there was no whiskey bloat or red bulbous nose. Her eyes were alert and clear and sparkling mischievously. Her charming wit was as entertaining as a professional celebrity; she had vast stage presence.

Less than three years later she was dead of liver failure.

The reasons for her over-indulgent drinking are unclear. She came from an upper middle socioeconomic status, and had a husband and children who adored her. She was attractive enough, especially once she lost that ugly discoloration and alcohol induced swelling. In truth, once her blood was no longer being diluted by distilled spirits and had a chance to circulate some oxygen, she was beautiful.

She was intelligent and supported and imaginative. As a friend, she was caring and fun and non-threatening and un-intimidating. I adored her. And I miss her.

I’ll admit that there are many things in life that I don’t even begin to understand. The whys are questions with no answers, and as I’ve aged, I’ve begun to expect fewer answers and ask questions less frequently. Whys don’t matter, I hear my mentor in my head. He said it often to me as I pondered the experience of life. Whys don’t matter, however, whys cause me to think, and that’s not necessarily a bad/good thing.

Why some people choose to drink themselves into the grave is one of those whys I ask often. Don’t get me wrong; I am a social drinker on occasion, and as a rule, do not judge the habits and choices of others.

All of life is a choice. We make a choice to open our eyes each morning, and to close them every night, and we make all of the choices in-between. I advocate choice, conscious choices as a means of attaining personal goals and fulfillment, and even enlightenment. I advocate mindful choosing of every action and response in one’s life. After all, our individual gift of this life is to be able to choose how we spend (or squander) it. Our choices are our freedom. Despite the happenings around us, regardless of our culture, we are always free to choose how we respond to any given situation.

What was my friend running from, trying to mask, to deaden? Still, I have no clues. She had to be trying to cure, to self-medicate the hole, whatever that hole was. Filling an empty emotion with booze, drugs, food, or any over-indulgence is not effective. Meditation, spiritual study, taking the journey within is most effective.

I watch as some folks smoke, eat fast un-nourishing foods, drink chemicals and concoctions that will clean the tar off a toilet, and then complain about how they feel. I notice others assault the serenity with constant noise from televisions, chatter, and blaring radios. I witness sadness and sorrow and despair, and I celebrate when I find the health conscious few partaking mindfully, and avoiding bad news and negativity. I note that for better or worse, choices most often become habits.

Over 30,000 Americans kill themselves each year. This does not include the so-called accidental deaths, or deaths due to chronic alcohol or drug use. Because I have known folks who checked out permanently, prematurely, I have pondered the actions of those who choose suicide, as well as studying all causes of death. The result of my queries is an understanding that we are either making choices to support our choice to live, or we are making decisions to commit suicide slowly thru neglect and abuse of our body, mind, and soul. Whether via a gun to the head, a six-pack per night, a needle in the arm, a fag between the lips, a double dripping cheeseburger to the heart, there are multiple means of socially acceptable suicide.

Know what you are taking in whether via media, meals, or friendships. With at least as much tender care as you would administer to a houseplant, be mindful of what’s in the environment and in the fertilizer of your life. Are you cared for, or are you wilting? Are you being loved and nurtured and receiving the dose of sunshine and sweet words that nurture your wholeness? Is your freedom as choice being affirmed? Can you release any feelings of being victimized and immediately replace those emotions with feelings of self-acceptance and gestalt wholeness?

Today, I once again re-member to affirm my wellness, body, mind, and spirit, as I seek to be the most whole and balanced (gestalt) as possible. Consciously, in this present moment, I AM conscious of how my choices affect the whole sum which is me.

As a final thought, I’m shamelessly promoting a book written by a survivor of suicide. It’s a memoir meets self-help genre. The book is reported to have healing properties, not only for survivors, but also for anyone questioning common dogma, or fascinated with the question of life after death, and for anyone seeking answers to some of life’s mysteries. It’s a ‘can’t put down page turner’ that leaves readers with a curiosity about angels, guides, and the possibilities of current day miracles. Following is a link to the publisher for your convenience, or just copy and paste this link into your browser:

http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/product.aspx?ISBN=0-7414-3850-X

Be sure and leave me a comment if you read this!

~As always, with love and light.

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Feb 27 2012

Half-Assed is a Mirror Reflection

Pondering Half-Assed-ness

I admit that one of the most aggravating and unpopular behaviors, in my observation, is what I refer to as half-assedness. You know; those things that are done minimally, sloppily, lazily, half-heartedly, or down right poorly.

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”

Aside from my mother, I don’t know who attribute that quote to. Whomever said it, apparently left a scar because I fully concur. Half-assed jobs are a lick and a promise, a quick and inattentive wipe or pass with a dry rag. And half-assed jobs are the reason for the adage that says, “if something is worth doing it is worth doing right.”

Half-assedness, which I probably should refer to as half-heartedness so the profanity police don’t flag me as indecent, is passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not a fan.

Half-hearted living is ineffectual. Rather than create a masterpiece meal, a half-a$$ed kid’s meal is what’s for dinner. Rather than a full bear hug, a little air-smooch passes for a caring and passion embrace. Instead of a well cared for home, the webs and dust mites rule the domain.

Half-hearted property owners, rude store keepers, insolent managers, egotistical brutes with little regard for others, all these personalities have egged me on to consider creating a web site called www.Half-Assed.com. But in spite of thinking about it (a lot), I did not create the site. Someone else beat me to it.

I believe it best to ignore the negative and focus on the positive. Somewhere along the way I’ve learned that whatever I place my focus on expands. Clearly it makes no sense to spurn the half-hearted with the fertilizer of my attention. Also, in the law of attraction sense, I find it best to turn towards the light when I begin to experience my own dark side….

The raw truth is, half-assed behaviors make me nervous, anxious, and annoyed. It is my pet peeve of all complaints. What I’ll share with you though, is this little life secret: As a Gestalt Practitioner of over 25 years, I know full well that any behavior I see in others (despite how ugly or annoying it may be) is a part of me or I would not be able to see it.

It is not possible to recognize in others what is not a part of the self. And being judgmental doesn’t make the other person wrong; and it certainly doesn’t make me right. It only means that I am judging.

There are times in life, when it is easy to fall into a habit of criticizing others, or pitting “us against them” as if life were a contest. It is not, decidedly a contest, and even it were, we share more in common than not. Awareness of how one is feeling, and of the words that come out of one’s mouth is a self-empowering trait to be honed.

When nasty judgmental biases escape from the mouth, step back and determine where those lessons were first learned. At what point did you internalize the biases that has you seeking to focus on the differences as opposed to the commonalities of being human, despite the cultural variations?

Listen for your own prejudices to surface, and make a conscious decision to embrace diverse experiences. We are all perfect in our humanness and we are all ONE. I AM, and YOU ARE and WE ARE ONE CONNECTED.

The onus is on me to do things as well as I am able with the short span I am allowed on this Earth. It is up to me to tend to my environment, to nurture my body, mind, and spirit, and to set and reach targets each day. It is up to me to not write half-assed blogs and to edit, edit, edit, every manuscript I send out. It is my duty to put as much truth into every Spiritual Gestalt group as I can professionally administer. It’s even up to me to mindfully attend to my chores and nurture my various relationships fully. This includes tenderly fostering the relationship with my whole (gestalt) self.

I challenge you today to give full mindful attention to your relationships, your environments, and most importantly, to your unique and special self. You deserve it! Challenge yourself to nurture your spirit, to feed your mind and body with health-promoting substances. Mindfully grow a little every day. I challenge me to the same.

~As always, with love and light.  

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Feb 20 2012

Jan Deelstra

                  

Shadows Attached: Volume 1            Blessings in the Mire

Mad Woman Poetry Series        True Stories of Miracles & Recollections

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