Tag Archives: Social Sciences

Apr 17 2012

Tell Don’t Yell: Communicating Needs in a Clear Assertive Manner

Tell Don’t Yell!

Recently, a close friend was experiencing some exasperation with her partner. What began as a conversation concerning his alleged lack of respect and consideration, rapidly deteriorated and finally escalated into her screaming, “F#!* you, ____!!”

It was obviously ineffectual communication. Personally, my ears slam shut at even the thought of an argument. If you scream, I will not listen. In fact, screaming makes me listen even less.

Long ago, my then four-year old nephew remarked that his “ears closed” when he heard his dad yelling at my sister. Pretty astute awareness for a little boy. And I concur. All that happens when someone raises his or her voice is that my ears immediately become guarded, and in some instances, slam shut. My ears, like those of my nephew, are not open to receiving any sort of anger or loud noise. Especially at issue are words shouted in anger (which is a thin mask for pain, by the way).

A few decades ago there was a commercial that said, “If you want to get someone’s attention, whisper.” Where whispering may not be the answer to healthy communication, I know this for certain: yelling is NOT the way to get anyone’s attention.

Clear, assertive communication is the key to getting a message across. If you have something to say, say it. Don’t whisper and don’t yell. Just state what you are feeling and let it go. Give the receiving party time to digest the information and respond on his or her terms. If you really want to get someone’s attention, try listening.

Wars are started and fought over miscommunication. Relationships are ended, and friendships are slashed over poor communication skills. Again I say, if you want something, if you are feeling something, state you feelings using “I” messages: “I feel” is much friendlier than is “You %&!!!!.”

Starting any conversation by expressing one’s feelings, instead of accusing/attacking another is much more effective. And in the end, isn’t what we all want is simply to be heard with respect?

I am compelled to add a caveat here: yelling as in primal screaming* to release harsh emotions is not in the same category as yelling at someone in frustration. By all means, if primal screaming will release anger and frustration, go to the place where that emotion can be harmlessly released and primally scream until your lungs collapse. Please though, don’t yell at another human.

~With love, light, and gratitude.

PS ~ Remember, Chapter Six on Passive Aggression from Escaping the Chrysalis, is available only until April 17th at Midnight for only a .99 cents donation. This tax-season special ends abruptly at midnight. To order, click the link to the cover picture below and instantly enjoy!

As always, thank you, often. With love, light, and especially, gratitude!

*To learn more about Primal Screaming, read Blessings in the Mire: A True Story of Miracles & Recollections.

Mar 7 2012

Socially Acceptable Suicide

         Socially Acceptable Suicide

The last time I saw her, she was doing well. She had stopped drinking and she looked fifteen years younger; there was no whiskey bloat or red bulbous nose. Her eyes were alert and clear and sparkling mischievously. Her charming wit was as entertaining as a professional celebrity; she had vast stage presence.

Less than three years later she was dead of liver failure.

The reasons for her over-indulgent drinking are unclear. She came from an upper middle socioeconomic status, and had a husband and children who adored her. She was attractive enough, especially once she lost that ugly discoloration and alcohol induced swelling. In truth, once her blood was no longer being diluted by distilled spirits and had a chance to circulate some oxygen, she was beautiful.

She was intelligent and supported and imaginative. As a friend, she was caring and fun and non-threatening and un-intimidating. I adored her. And I miss her.

I’ll admit that there are many things in life that I don’t even begin to understand. The whys are questions with no answers, and as I’ve aged, I’ve begun to expect fewer answers and ask questions less frequently. Whys don’t matter, I hear my mentor in my head. He said it often to me as I pondered the experience of life. Whys don’t matter, however, whys cause me to think, and that’s not necessarily a bad/good thing.

Why some people choose to drink themselves into the grave is one of those whys I ask often. Don’t get me wrong; I am a social drinker on occasion, and as a rule, do not judge the habits and choices of others.

All of life is a choice. We make a choice to open our eyes each morning, and to close them every night, and we make all of the choices in-between. I advocate choice, conscious choices as a means of attaining personal goals and fulfillment, and even enlightenment. I advocate mindful choosing of every action and response in one’s life. After all, our individual gift of this life is to be able to choose how we spend (or squander) it. Our choices are our freedom. Despite the happenings around us, regardless of our culture, we are always free to choose how we respond to any given situation.

What was my friend running from, trying to mask, to deaden? Still, I have no clues. She had to be trying to cure, to self-medicate the hole, whatever that hole was. Filling an empty emotion with booze, drugs, food, or any over-indulgence is not effective. Meditation, spiritual study, taking the journey within is most effective.

I watch as some folks smoke, eat fast un-nourishing foods, drink chemicals and concoctions that will clean the tar off a toilet, and then complain about how they feel. I notice others assault the serenity with constant noise from televisions, chatter, and blaring radios. I witness sadness and sorrow and despair, and I celebrate when I find the health conscious few partaking mindfully, and avoiding bad news and negativity. I note that for better or worse, choices most often become habits.

Over 30,000 Americans kill themselves each year. This does not include the so-called accidental deaths, or deaths due to chronic alcohol or drug use. Because I have known folks who checked out permanently, prematurely, I have pondered the actions of those who choose suicide, as well as studying all causes of death. The result of my queries is an understanding that we are either making choices to support our choice to live, or we are making decisions to commit suicide slowly thru neglect and abuse of our body, mind, and soul. Whether via a gun to the head, a six-pack per night, a needle in the arm, a fag between the lips, a double dripping cheeseburger to the heart, there are multiple means of socially acceptable suicide.

Know what you are taking in whether via media, meals, or friendships. With at least as much tender care as you would administer to a houseplant, be mindful of what’s in the environment and in the fertilizer of your life. Are you cared for, or are you wilting? Are you being loved and nurtured and receiving the dose of sunshine and sweet words that nurture your wholeness? Is your freedom as choice being affirmed? Can you release any feelings of being victimized and immediately replace those emotions with feelings of self-acceptance and gestalt wholeness?

Today, I once again re-member to affirm my wellness, body, mind, and spirit, as I seek to be the most whole and balanced (gestalt) as possible. Consciously, in this present moment, I AM conscious of how my choices affect the whole sum which is me.

As a final thought, I’m shamelessly promoting a book written by a survivor of suicide. It’s a memoir meets self-help genre. The book is reported to have healing properties, not only for survivors, but also for anyone questioning common dogma, or fascinated with the question of life after death, and for anyone seeking answers to some of life’s mysteries. It’s a ‘can’t put down page turner’ that leaves readers with a curiosity about angels, guides, and the possibilities of current day miracles. Following is a link to the publisher for your convenience, or just copy and paste this link into your browser:

http://www.buybooksontheweb.com/product.aspx?ISBN=0-7414-3850-X

Be sure and leave me a comment if you read this!

~As always, with love and light.

Related articles
Feb 27 2012

Half-Assed is a Mirror Reflection

Pondering Half-Assed-ness

I admit that one of the most aggravating and unpopular behaviors, in my observation, is what I refer to as half-assedness. You know; those things that are done minimally, sloppily, lazily, half-heartedly, or down right poorly.

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.”

Aside from my mother, I don’t know who attribute that quote to. Whomever said it, apparently left a scar because I fully concur. Half-assed jobs are a lick and a promise, a quick and inattentive wipe or pass with a dry rag. And half-assed jobs are the reason for the adage that says, “if something is worth doing it is worth doing right.”

Half-assedness, which I probably should refer to as half-heartedness so the profanity police don’t flag me as indecent, is passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not a fan.

Half-hearted living is ineffectual. Rather than create a masterpiece meal, a half-a$$ed kid’s meal is what’s for dinner. Rather than a full bear hug, a little air-smooch passes for a caring and passion embrace. Instead of a well cared for home, the webs and dust mites rule the domain.

Half-hearted property owners, rude store keepers, insolent managers, egotistical brutes with little regard for others, all these personalities have egged me on to consider creating a web site called www.Half-Assed.com. But in spite of thinking about it (a lot), I did not create the site. Someone else beat me to it.

I believe it best to ignore the negative and focus on the positive. Somewhere along the way I’ve learned that whatever I place my focus on expands. Clearly it makes no sense to spurn the half-hearted with the fertilizer of my attention. Also, in the law of attraction sense, I find it best to turn towards the light when I begin to experience my own dark side….

The raw truth is, half-assed behaviors make me nervous, anxious, and annoyed. It is my pet peeve of all complaints. What I’ll share with you though, is this little life secret: As a Gestalt Practitioner of over 25 years, I know full well that any behavior I see in others (despite how ugly or annoying it may be) is a part of me or I would not be able to see it.

It is not possible to recognize in others what is not a part of the self. And being judgmental doesn’t make the other person wrong; and it certainly doesn’t make me right. It only means that I am judging.

There are times in life, when it is easy to fall into a habit of criticizing others, or pitting “us against them” as if life were a contest. It is not, decidedly a contest, and even it were, we share more in common than not. Awareness of how one is feeling, and of the words that come out of one’s mouth is a self-empowering trait to be honed.

When nasty judgmental biases escape from the mouth, step back and determine where those lessons were first learned. At what point did you internalize the biases that has you seeking to focus on the differences as opposed to the commonalities of being human, despite the cultural variations?

Listen for your own prejudices to surface, and make a conscious decision to embrace diverse experiences. We are all perfect in our humanness and we are all ONE. I AM, and YOU ARE and WE ARE ONE CONNECTED.

The onus is on me to do things as well as I am able with the short span I am allowed on this Earth. It is up to me to tend to my environment, to nurture my body, mind, and spirit, and to set and reach targets each day. It is up to me to not write half-assed blogs and to edit, edit, edit, every manuscript I send out. It is my duty to put as much truth into every Spiritual Gestalt group as I can professionally administer. It’s even up to me to mindfully attend to my chores and nurture my various relationships fully. This includes tenderly fostering the relationship with my whole (gestalt) self.

I challenge you today to give full mindful attention to your relationships, your environments, and most importantly, to your unique and special self. You deserve it! Challenge yourself to nurture your spirit, to feed your mind and body with health-promoting substances. Mindfully grow a little every day. I challenge me to the same.

~As always, with love and light.  

Related articles

Buy Jan a bottle of wine.

Simply click the bottle.

Thank you, often. 

yin yang
Feb 25 2012

Gestalt as You Are

Gestalt literally means whole form. As a therapeutic term, gestalt is intent on the wholeness and balance (homeostasis) of the human organism as nature intended.

If gestalt were a party, it would be a come as you are party. Masks would be placed aside. The naked truths of you, stripped of cultural mores and trends, ruffles and feathers would be exposed; the black and the white, the dark and the light would be fully present, and accepted. Warts, farts, wrinkles, zits and all, you would be, we would all be, the proverbial belle of the ball. We would know the additional cliché of unconditional love. The caveat is, the love would stem first and foremost as self-love.

There is a natural cycle of human development that begins always with awareness, specifically with self-awareness. Only when one stops to see, to acknowledge, to dissect the self is one able to determine consciously the path of his or her life as they wish to proceed. It is the same with any goal or destination; that we must have a target at which to aim. When we look inward for our answers and our desires, we are then able to draw a direct line towards them.

As any airline pilot knows, there are constant corrections made to keep our craft (in this case, ourselves) on the course in order to reach the chosen destination. We learn and we correct our trajectory via our lessons. We set, and eventually reach the destination of our intent.

What does not happen is the reaching of our goals when there are no defined targets. So it makes logical sense to take a moment each morning before launching into the day, and meditate and intend specific actions. For example: Today I intended to write about the meaning of gestalt. I took a few minutes to think about ways in which to present the concept most simply and most easily grasped. The concept of ‘wholeness’ is simple. It would make little to no sense if I were to pretend that I have a complex idea to present here.

Likewise, human beings are simple. We may like to think otherwise, however, we are all carbon-based, predictable, and in search of the same thing, which is feeling valued. Where and how we choose to get that emotion filled is the variable to the human condition. Many people look outside themselves for external validation and support. The real power, however, is not outside. True empowerment is in the consciousness of each being. And the power is in recognizing this awareness.

Authentic growth is an off-shoot of secure, healthy self-esteem. With that said, start today to acknowledge something wonderful about YOU. Through expressions of self-love and acceptance, begin your personal journey towards wholeness, towards gestalt enlightenment, towards the whole acceptance and blossoming of you, gestalt.

~As always, with love and light.